Atheism and depression â “ is there a way through?
Once I am depressed, I have a nearly impossible time trying to find purpose and meaning in life, or in other words, not becoming a nihilist. Before, when I believed in God, the thought of going to hell always prevented me from taking my own life (even then I came close a few times). Now that I donâ ™t believe in such a thing, I am finding it more and more difficult to find reasons to stay alive when I experience depression. It is difficult for me to find a reason to go on when I suffer so much emotional pain and feelings of worthlessness and self-loathing. It becomes even more difficult the longer I live because I have a hard time seeing a point to life if the majority of it is spent in pain and misery. I find myself considering thoughts on suicide by Nietzsche, Schopenhauer, and Goethe, and these make it even harder to defend to myself why I should live.
Not all pain worth ending is physical. When I am depressed, I feel like a cripple, like Iâ ™m paralyzed in an existence of such debilitating emotion that it is all I can do to numb or escape. I used to use drugs for that, but I cleaned up several years ago and havenâ ™t looked back. Even now I donâ ™t find the idea of turning to drugs very appealing, no matter how I feel. I suppose the only thing that keeps me going is a recognition that when Iâ ™m not depressed, life is pretty enjoyable. I can go for months without feeling down, but I can also go for months of hell in depression. Thatâ ™s where I am right now.
Five days ago I googled â śi want to dieâ ť to see if anything on the internet could make me feel better or give me a reason to not kill myself. There was very little that brought comfort for me. You see, in that moment, I really wanted to die. I didnâ ™t just want the pain to end; I really wanted to die. This brought tears to my eyes because I donâ ™t recall a time when I was so desperate. Instead of looking for the means to take my life, I threw on some NIN, crawled up on my couch hugging a pillow and slowly went to sleep. I woke up the next day feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the world. I felt that things werenâ ™t so bad, and that I just might be able to get through these moments. But then the depression came back a day or two later. And now itâ ™s getting more and more difficult to not become cynical over the whole thing (itâ ™s just going to keep coming back no matter what I do). I guess at this point Iâ ™m only still alive because I havenâ ™t done anything to end my life. Basically, Iâ ™m alive due to passive acceptance of life.
I hate the monotony of life, the same thing day in, day out. I see no point in anything, especially when I consider how we treat each other. I see the wars and contentions around the world, the slow removal of liberties and freedoms at the hand of the government, and it makes me sick. I fear we might not even survive ourselves, but then I think that we deserve no more. I fear we might soon face a world all of the conspiracy theorists predicted might come to pass, even though I laugh at them now. I fear humanityâ ™s insignificance, but embrace my own. I fear I might actually make a significant contribution to the world, but scoff at such grandiosity. Most of all I fear that no matter what I do I will never be able to change how much I suffer emotionally during depression, that this is constant rather than mutable. Itâ ™s all just a glorified way of saying that I donâ ™t see a point in life if that life is spent suffering.
If youâ ™ve managed to get through all of this, kudos to you. Perhaps this is partly cathartic, but even if it is itâ ™s still a way for me to reach out. I feel like Iâ ™m someone whoâ ™s tried a multitude of ways to figure this out (including medication, no thanks, never again), and none of them has brought me closer to a satisfactory answer. I need to find a way through this, and there has to be answers outside of religion. If there arenâ ™t, well, I just donâ ™t see a reason to continue a life of suffering. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Disclaimer: do no see this as an opportunity to try to convince me of your religious beliefs. I may be going through some tough things, but I will never abandon my sense of reason. Your religion is as ridiculous to me when I am depressed as it is when I am perfectly happy (not entirely true because I tend to get cynical when Iâ ™m depressed, so religion becomes even more ridiculous). Nothing will change that. Piss off if you feel you need to preach to me of God, and piss off if you feel like telling me I deserve this for abandoning my faith. Nothing you say will change how utterly ridiculous your claims of God are. Iâ ™m not looking for conversion, Iâ ™m looking for a way to find meaning and purpose as an atheist who suffers from depression. Sorry for this, Iâ ™ve just had too many people try to tell me Iâ ™m depressed because God is trying to humble me to accept him.
X-posted: Mental Health, Religion and Spirituality
Focus on what you enjoy, and if you have trouble finding that then continue trying to find it. The universe isn't as bleak and cynical as you might expect if you examine it closely - it's actually very strange and mysterious, and there are new things to be discovered every day.
2. And for the people who told you: "God is trying to humble me to accept him." I haven't been told that in those exact words, but those who told you that seem to be the type to step over you as you're laying face down on the sidewalk, or condemn you for being depressed in the same fashion we yell at alcoholics - it's an addiction, not something to piss you off.
3. Depression is chemical. "Finding religion" will just mask your issues.
Now that we have that out of the way:
You used: "debilitating", it's a powerful and accurate word for what's going on. I was told to use that word when talking to psychiatrists.
Now, you only mentioned drugs once and were talking about the kind you're either "on" or "clean". You also mentioned: "some really deep psychological work". BUT! You haven't once mentioned psychological work with a psychologist.
You seem to have written too much and are too introspective not to have had appointments with a psychologist, but that's were I see you. I see that woman or man sending you directly to the psychiatrist to be placed on antidepressants. NO quick fix, NO super pills. But, you will take the antidepressants to allow your mind to decrease the negativity and allow you to address the day with enough care and deliberation to simply get by.
Money shouldn't squelch the idea of you seeing a mental health doctor. In fact it's a law to help you if you even mention the suicidal tendencies within the walls of a doc's office. You can and will get through this. Your family will see this and may make positive changes based on you improving your life. I may be wrong about my thoughts, but damnit you can do this.
I am 99% certain that no benevolent God exists anywhere in any form. The other 1% takes into account the limitations of my human intellect. However, I refuse to accept the non-existence of God. I refuse to settle for even the fact.
If I settle for the fact, I will go insane. I will be miles beyond suicidal. I will watch all my efforts to make the world a better place turn into nothing and I will become a wild beast. That's probably what will happen to me eventually but in the meantime I focus on that 1% chance of me being wrong about the universe. Just maybe.
It doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but I would rather be shot dead then live as a happy atheist. I'm not sure if you feel this strongly about the issues as I do.
that would help
But this is only one chapter in the book. This is one of those chapters they put in there so you'll keep reading, 'cause you want to make sure it gets better. And it DOES get better!
Give yourself permission to do nothing...get some really stupid movies out from the library and eat too much of your favorite food.
I also have a promise with myself. I know that life isn't always "this" bad, but when I'm really depressed, it's hard for me to see that. So I've promised myself that if I ever really think I'm going to kill myself, I'll bring myself to a hospital instead. I figure that if going to a hospital is really all that bad, I can always kill myself later.
Depression really sucks. I hope it's okay if I pray that you feel better?
All the best to you.
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